I am very weary lately.
My body has been behaving badly. Chronic illness never lets you forget you cannot reach what you cannot find. It is a lonely place where the one who is ill is often invisible or good at pretending everything is fine. However… No thing is fine. I have a complex mess of autoimmune diseases. As I age, I get more because my immune system is not doing what it was designed to do.
HEAL the body!
Frida Kahlo once said she painted her pain upon her body casts because she had to. I understand.
As time went on to it’s inevitable destination, she said she did not need feet as she had wings to fly.
Fly she did…
A new immune disorder has emerged this past few years. Asthma. The diagnosis explains much of what has plagued me for decades.
Mast Cell Activation Disorder/disease/syndrome.(they haven’t decided at last check)
With this comes a hematologist, allergist, pulmonary specialist, cardiologist, GI doctors, neurosurgeons(degenerative discs), oral surgeon … As life would have it, my doctor of 20+ years retired last year to sail the Pacific. And he is. His departure led me down a rabbit hole. I didn’t have the heart nor energy to find another doctor in my journey toward some semblance of health. I was tired with little money to spend out of pocket. It was difficult and grim to face so many unexpected, troubling obstacles AND find another doctor to take his place. I did nothing for a year and more.
Life goes on,
la dee dah…
Any blood disorder involving the white blood cells isn’t good. Mine are dying or degenerating… they’re not supposed to do that. Remnants of these cells lodge in the body where they don’t belong, like the esophagus, lungs, stomach. Even the brain. They cause a vast network of inflammation and disease that is little understood.
I have disease in all these places.
Doctors had few answers until recently. In my case – possible Eosinophilic mastocytosis. [Doubtful on the spelling]
There is no cure. There is no cure. There is no cure.
Sort of bothers bothers bothers me. Point being, what. why. Oh, and now what.
We shall see. I’m not much into being bored for a spinal tap but, IF needed, I hope they can do it whilst I’m under anesthesia. 3 hours seems long enough for the whole place to get their work done given a good coordinator, whom I have found, and a very demanding patient BEFORE needles go in.
I must share One lovely discovery several days ago.
I had seen a little hummer nest in my olive tree. She had laid three tiny eggs. I have no idea how this little being could sustain herself so well with the pouring rains, frightening winds and swaying branch! But her nest has held tightly and with my binoculars I spy two tiny hummies, peaks pointed upwards.. I put a feeder just close enough to give her at least a bit of what she needed. And, fingers crossed 🤞 I think they will make it. I consider it an omen. 😊
So that’s my excuse for the sudden silence which might look like a lack of care when really I simply can’t get out of bed or string words together. Somehow next week I have to because I have a couple of docs to see. And inevitable blood work and such.
One is my good old GI doctor of over 30 years. I am having a double scope to avoid two anesthesias since they need to really peer inside my entrails from one end to the other and pick away for a few hours. And I’m not as young now so I guess they will be gentle? Hah!
I have a dysfunctional esophagus that needs some help and, thanks to ulcerative colitis, I grow bad polyps amongst other things and am 2 years behind on my colonoscopy schedule. Don’t think I didn’t know that. It’s just I was missing some pertinent information. Like they were “precancerous” last time.
You would think this would scare me but it’s not the first time nor the last.
He tells me he’ll fix that nasty prep so it stays in me and exits, not via my mouth, but the other end. Do I believe that? Hah, hardly! They’ll have to use a hose. It’s not my problem and I’m sure they will.
Just Raining Here
Really all it’s doing here is raining anyway. SAD [or depression] is slightly a problem! That and many other things…. in all these years in this medium, I think this might be my most depressing post but life sometimes becomes more than one needs to cope with.
Especially of late.
I look forward to my favorite season when my roses bloom and I can sit in the blessed sunlight, visualizing its healing warmth bringing New for yet another season.
In order to make progress, there is only NATURE,
and the eye is turned through contact with her.